Translated by Xpressive (xpressivebased@gmail.com)
This is a video game. This is what you immediately think of whenever you hear the term.
It's the Atari 2600, and it defines the word "classic."
Even though the games are so simple and the graphics so primitive, it has a charm that will never be matched.
The objects and characters just barely represent what they're supposed to be, but that's the whole beauty of it, that you have to use your imagination.
The sound effects? (explosion) Just awesome.
And the lack of music just enhances the mood.
It's that special kind of atmosphere when it's the middle of the night, and you're sitting in the glow of your TV with the sound of crickets.
The Atari had the longest lifespan of any home video game system, and when people say "Atari," they're usually referring to the 2600.
But, in between its existence, Atari made other systems which came and went.
And one of these was the Atari 5200. It was meant to replace the 2600, although ironically, it failed and faded away while the 2600 lived on.
Why don't many people remember this, and why did it die off so quick?
BECAUSE IT'S A PILE OF FUCKING SHIT!
Why? Well, just look at it.
Look at how huge this beast is! It's ginormous! And why is there a door on it? Is this a video game console or a fucking closet?
Even the AC adapter weighs a million tons.
So, I'm gonna plug this son of a bitch in here.
There we go. Get all this shit out of the way.
Now, where do I plug the other end in? Doesn't it go into the Atari? Well, you can look all over the system, but there's no power connector. There's a separate box that you have to plug it in.
Now seriously, have you ever seen one of these? Other than the Atari 5200, I haven't.
So, you plug this bastard in, then there's this one wire coming out of the system, so you plug that in the box.
(electric current) Whoa! Did you see that? That can't be good. Look, sparks. No joke.
So anyway, the AC adapter and the TV actually share the same wire.
So, I don't know what they were thinking. I mean, maybe they were thinking it would be more convenient to have less wires running across your floor,
but they knew they fucked up because later, they re-released the Atari 5200 with the traditional two separate wires instead of just, you know, this thing.
But that one had two controller ports instead of four, I think.
Now, we want to hook this thing up to that TV,
but it's not going to be easy. I mean, just look at all these games!
And every one of them has their own AC adapter and RCA cables or those weird box things all going to the same TV.
So, I don't know how we're going to do it,
but we got to get back there and plug this sucker in.
That TV is just out of the question. It's a little too busy back there.
But, that's okay because I believe the only true way to play Atari...
...is on an old piece of shit like that.
Damn!
Damn, damn!
Ahhhh! Fuck!
Ugh. (sighs) Son of a bitch!
AAAAAGGH! FUCK-FUCK-FUCK-FUCK-FUCK FUCK-FUCK-FUCK-FUCK-FUCK-FUCK!
Now, after all that trouble I went through, let�s play some damn games!
Well, we haven't played the games yet, but I can definitely tell you the cartridges suck, because they don't have end-labels.
I mean, come on! The Atari 2600 games were all conveniently labelled so you can easily pick out a game,
but the 5200, you have to pull each one out to see them. I mean, what a bunch of shit!
Alright, let's try this one out. So, okay. Here we go. Now, listen.
When you hit the power button, the box makes this weird clicking sound. (He turns it on, box clicks) I'm afraid this thing might blow up.
This controller is a piece of shit.
What's the most important aspect about any fucking game, well, being able to fucking play it!
And what do you need to fucking play it? A fucking controller! So, what do you do when the controller doesn't work?
You're fucked! This is the reason the system failed! This!
In the name of God, Heaven and Hell, everything in between, every creature on Earth
by the far reaches of the galaxy, by the inner rims of the universe, and every megaverse in the ultraverse,
let it be known, let the word be known:
THIS CONTROLLER IS FUCKING HORRIBLE!!
Well, to tell you the truth, it is true that the controllers were notorious for malfunction, but they were pretty innovative for their time.
For one thing, they're analog, so they're capable of more sensitive movement.
They also have a pause button which, believe it or not, was a new thing back then.
Also, there's these two buttons on each side which I think was a bit excessive for these type of games.
Then there's all these numeric buttons. Like, what the shit is this? Is this thing a phone?
Like, what is all this for? Is it like, talking to intergalactic space aliens, flying fuckernauts or astro-bastards?
Now, there's another one: the Trak-Ball controller, but it's an ungodly abomination that begs for apocalypse.
Look at it! It's like as big as a VCR or DVD player! It's big enough to be the game system, let alone the controller!
Look, it's almost as big as a Nintendo, I mean, no, look! I think it's slightly bigger than the Nintendo.
WHAT A BEAST! But, the ultimate question is: "Does it work?"
Well, does it?
No, it doesn't.
What a piece of shit! Well, we can't play the games, but we can at least look at them.
We don't have to stand for this shit! There exist alternatives.
Did you know that you can plug a Sega Genesis controller into an Atari 2600, and it will work?
See, that's the interesting thing about Atari you can find all kinds of different... stuff that's compatible.
As for the 5200, there exist third-party controllers made for the reason of replacing the shitty controller that the system came with.
So, let's take a trip into the cyber world known as the Internet, and take a look.
There we go.
Alright. Okay. Let's play this bitch.
FUUUUUCCK!